also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
