I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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