I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
