I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
