Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
