I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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