Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
