I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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