I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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