i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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