I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
