I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
