If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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