she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
