I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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