I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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