so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
