I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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