I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
