I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
