She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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