I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
