I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
