i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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