I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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