I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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