You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
