i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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