im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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