yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
