I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Blood and glitter go together right?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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