Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
