I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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