2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
