Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
