This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
