I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
