What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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