I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
