there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
