i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
