Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
