i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Did you just see the Batmobile???
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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