we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
