I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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