it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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