she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
