every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
