I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
