Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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