apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
