I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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