I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
