Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we made out on top of his cat.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
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