I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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