how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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