when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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