fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
