Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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