I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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