It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
