everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
