On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
